The Worst Condiment

I have never liked it on anything except fries, and even that is a stretch.

Ketchup. Ugh. There is nothing better to ruin a good hot dog or hamburger (or veggie dog/burger, pour moi) than an overzealous friend who puts ketchup on it for you while you save them a seat. It’s like someone handed you the original Mona Lisa, in all its glory, and you decided to silk-screen Kim Kardashian’s face overtop.

The crazy Heinz green and purple ketchup almost got me to come around as a child, but the discontinued it before I could make a second trip to the hot dog stand outside Canadian Tire

Pretty impressive ketchup-applying skills, kid.

My distaste of ketchup solidified when I started dating a guy who loved it, and was a horrible house keeper. He also didn’t know how much ketchup he’d need, and always overestimated. This resulted in, you guessed it, dirty plates with little puddles of ketchup on them sitting around. Have you ever smelt ketchup in that context? Say goodbye to your appetite.

I am a mustard supporter. Mustard 4 eva. Dijon, honey, whatever. As long as it’s got that nice bite to it and it’s not red, I’m down.

"Beautiful mustard" according to Google Images

There is this restaurant in Summerside, PEI that serves the most delicious chipotle mayo-type sauce (I have no idea) with its beautiful, crispy fries. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. With so many delicious alternatives, why ketchup?!

"You know what they put on french fries in Holland instead of ketchup?" "What?" "Mayonnaise." "Yuck!"

Pulp Fiction may mock it but I’m just waiting for IcelandAir to offer me a good deal. TTYL, Ketchup-fiends!


17 responses to “The Worst Condiment

  1. Ketchup, really? I’ve always thought relish was far far worse. Someone once told me it was made from whatever got shoveled up off the pickle factory floor. And that was that.

  2. Dude whoa. I love ketchup. OH YUM! LOL. But it’s full of crappy gross sugar so I go for the sugar-free kind! Don’t eat it all that often though, I totally prefer straight up TOMATO PASTE!

  3. I like ketchup but like mustard more. Relish I relish – especially the homemade onion relish that I make. Now, I have a friend who likes ketchup so much, we bought him a t-shirt that says, “I like ketchup on my ketchup.” He wears it. People comment. I laugh.

  4. I agree 100% with you. I LOVE, repeat, LOVE mustard and I can’t even stand ketchup; not on fries, not on anything. Worst condiment ever.

    Congratulations on getting Freshly Pressed with your previous post (which led me to read more on your blog)

  5. I would have thought mayonaise on burgers questionable but for Guk, the ambrosial condiment made popular by the sublime Lick’s hamburger chain. (Visit the Toronto Beaches Licks’s store where the cooks sing while they work for the ultimate hamburger experience.) My knees go weak just remembering.

    Since I was foolish enough to move to a place where there is no Licks (oh, the horror) I mostly make do with mayo these days. Just so you know; Dutch mayo is generally sweeter than Canadian. Still, the stuff in the yellow toothpaste-like tube is the *only* thing to have on a fresh tomato.

    • That Beaches location was a staple of my childhood. We ALWAYS have the spicy guk in the house now! My favourite.

      Hm, sweet mayo? I can’t imagine, I guess I’ll have to go to Holland to find out.

      I hope you get to come back soon to have a meal at Lick’s, I don’t know what I’d do without it! Thanks for the comment

  6. Barbecue sauce is my answer to ketchup.

  7. Haha, I hate ketchup on most things as well. And you’re lucky, you guys have poutine… mmm poutine.

  8. Oy vey! You picked my favorite condiment! You might as well tell me not to use Ranch with salad (oh, the agony)! 🙂 Then again I’m a true southerner and live in Alabama. I like your blog by the way. I had a great professor at UAB who got his doctorate from the U of Toronto. So I guess Canada isn’t all that bad between the two of you! 😉

  9. I totally support this article. Ketchup is garbage. My MIL buys it by the gallon for her sweet “baby”. All the more reason to loathe it.

  10. Lol you would make a terrible Swede. They all LOVE ketchup..on everything. When I first moved here I couldn’t stomach it but its kind of part of their culture at this point. Wrote a post about it:
    Duck sauce and relish are my favorite condiments, that’s probably weird and they certainly do not go on everything but when I find the opportunity, its on!

  11. Once I saw a guy DRINKING a ketchup bottle at Pizza Hut. Oh the humanity!

  12. In the late 1970s we moved to Iran. My landlord cooked a meal for us the first night and served some sort of a fried potatoe. My three year old asked for ketchup. All five of our host’s family members started jabbering (to me) and trying hard to figure that one out. After my descrition, they brought out a can of tomatoe sauce. Of course my son would have none of that and learned to do without, but the host family went crazy dipping their potatoes in tomatoe sauce and did so from then on. See how we corrupt otherwise normal societies?

  13. Many opinions are subjective, however, I like to think of mine as cold, hard facts. With this in mind, while ketchup is indeed a vile condiment, it is exceeded in its suckiness by mayonnaise.