Now, I’m not a violent person. Sure, I used to do kickboxing. Sure, I’ve kicked a hole in the wall out of anger. Sure, I like to yell and rant when I get frustrated…but I’ve never injured a person because of it.
Although, let me make this clear, this is not because I haven’t thought about it.
[You would not believe how hard it is to find a good picture of someone getting punched in the face. So this will have to do. And bro, you have a monkey on a chain. You deserve to get slapped.]
I do my best to be nice to everyone, but there’s always those few who make you want to hit things. Tip: Just remind yourself that they’ll die soon (if they’re old) or they’ll die alone (if they’re young) to make you feel better. Then, laugh to yourself and forget all your anger.*
*Satire. I’m not evil. And if I was, I wouldn’t admit it on a blog.
Now, if you think you’re one of those horrible people, here are 10 helpful tips to help you avoid probably bodily harm!
Your mothers should have taught you this. Picture them crying in disappointment. Do you feel good, now?
1. If a stranger smiles at you after you make eye contact, smile back. It’s not like he’s asking you to give him a back rub. Just contract some muscles in your face and return the sentiment.
Have some old people just forgotten how? Or have they decided to follow the ways of that idiot woman on the wrinkle cream commercial? “Oh, no! Laugh lines! Guess I better stop smiling!”*
*Actual, completely serious commercial.
2. When a store employee asks how you are, respond. Don’t just walk away. It’s a nicety, but it’s still a question. You don’t even have to say “and you?” at the end, promise.
I had so many issues with this when working as a grocery store cashier.
Me: “Hi, how are you?”
Customer: *blank stare* “THESE APPLES LOOK WEIRD, CAN I HAVE THEM FOR FREE?”
3. Prompt your little smart-mouthed kid to say please and thank you, and don’t let them touch shit on the cashier’s counter…or play with the conveyor belt if it’s a grocery store. Little fingers can easily be hurt, and I’m sure the cashier doesn’t want to deal with an even louder, crying, smart-mouthed kid. No one thinks it’s cute, except you. And you should probably get out of the house more, alone.
4. If you’re working as a cashier, for the love of god, don’t let me be the one to awkwardly say “Hello” first after 30 seconds of you scanning my items in silence. Come on. I know your job sucks, I’ve done it. You know what makes it slightly better? Meeting some customers that actually have a few nice things to say, or ones that you can have a bit of a nice conversation with. Trust me. Ignoring them all doesn’t make anyone any happier.
5. Wait you turn. Do not, I repeat, do not interrupt someone when they are talking to someone else. You are no more important.
6. If you’ve opened up a door for yourself to walk through, take a quick glance behind you. If there is someone a few feet behind you who is going to follow you through the door, for the love of god, do not just slip through the opening and let the door drop.
7. Practice this. Raise your right arm like you’re taking an oath, but just a little bit higher, and spread your fingers out a bit. (Keep all of your fingers raised!) This is what you do when someone lets you into traffic. Not hard, now, was it?
It can even be your left arm *gasp* if you’ve got your window open! Amazing!
Wait! You’re doing it wrong! No! What did I just say?!
There, of course, are so many other little pet peeves that people can list. I think these 7 are the most important, although a few I’m biased on, having worked as a
slave person in a grocery store.
Let me know if you can think of anything else!